Newest post in forever: The school assembly

Two truths from my life as an accidental stay at home mom: I haven’t written a blog post in a very long time, and I never put in enough hours with our PTA.

Now that the boys are at the same school, I’m occasionally wracked by the guilt that I’m not doing enough to help the school. Other moms (yes, mostly moms), commit half their lives to practically running the school. But I’m a bad PTA mom: I’m disorganized, overwhelmed, and forgetful; I can’t produce crafts or hang decorations or ask people for money; I’m uncomfortable publicly sharing my views on education; and I feel awkward socializing with the parents of kids my kids socialize with, or do not socialize with. Also, I’m still totally insecure about my fashion choices and I think fashion security is an essential prerequisite for PTA participation. Look at these moms, in their colorful leggings and Patagonia jackets and $200 shoes. I just can’t! … But the pangs of guilt tug at me every so often, so back in a moment of guilt-ridden-ness, months ago, I volunteered to help book some school assemblies. I mean, I can email. So this is something I might actually be able to accomplish.

The woman who’s heading the PTA enrichment committee – I feel so important being on a committee – wants to do an assembly with a troupe of Native American dancers. Who am I to say no?

It turns out that scheduling a school assembly, even with people who perform school assemblies for a living, is labor-intensive. I start emailing with the Native American dance group in December. We’ve emailed 27 times since then (Google’s tally). I’ve sent another 10+ emails to the PTA bigwigs and the principal and who knows who else. A school assembly has never been so planned since the advent of school assemblies. A few days before the assembly I send an email confirming with the dance group. On the morning of the assembly, I send another email confirming. Guys, the assembly is today. Can’t wait see you soon!!!

The dancers are supposed to arrive at the school at 12:15 and I’m at the school waiting for them. 12:15 comes and goes – no dancers. 12:20 comes and goes. 12:25 – still no dancers. Do you know where this is going? At 12:30, I call them.

“We had another assembly today?” the guy says. I don’t even know who this guy is, of course, since I’ve handled this whole thing with zero human interaction. “Yes, I emailed like 40 times, I sent a message today to confirm. Where are you?” Response: something about the Holland Tunnel. That means they are ALMOST IN ANOTHER STATE, and the assembly is supposed to start in 25 minutes. I’m yelling. I’m angry. I’m the proverbial bad cop, in last-decade’s jeans and boots. “This was in the school calendar! A message about the assembly went out in the backpacks of 550 kids! We can’t reschedule this! Our kids are really busy.” Taking tests and doing other things I can’t keep track of.

How can this have happened? My only contribution to the PTA all year, except for the loads of cash I’ve dropped at every fundraiser, squandered. The guy tells me there’s been a big calendar mix-up. A piece of technology did not sync with another piece of technology. He feels terrible. He claims another piece of technology says he can make it to the school by 1:00pm, five minutes after the assembly is scheduled to begin. This involves crossing a tunnel or a bridge, an expressway and a bunch of neighborhood streets. This is not happening.

Except at 1:03, the van pulls up. Two of the dancers are festooned in beautiful garb. The lead dancer changes in the principal’s office. NBD.

By 1:05, the troupe is on stage. These people are amazing. Their dancing is riveting. They engage the kids instantly. Every kid wants to get up on stage and dance; a million hands go up at the Q&A. The dancers talk about stereotypes, cultural appropriation, about Native American traditions, about how movies depict Native Americans, and also about their outfits (“don’t say ‘costumes,’ say ‘outfits’”), how they get their eagle feathers (when eagles die on power lines, the parks department calls the dance troupe members and they get to take home the dead eagle). I love this group. This is the best assembly in the history of our school assemblies.

Maybe next year I’ll book two of them.